Are You My Mother?

Called my precious daughter to let her know that I had FedEx'ed a box of her mail to her. The conversation went something like this....
Oooohhh, what's in the box?
Your mail.
Nooo, what else?
Um, your mail and some evil bunny sticky notepads.
What goodies?
Um, your mail and the sticky notes.
Hubig's pies?
Um, no, just mail and sticky notes.
Zapp's potato chips?
Um, no, just mail and sticky notes.
Turbo Dog?
Um, no, just mail and sticky notes.
You're kidding?
Nope, not kidding.
ARE YOU MY MOTHER? What have you done with MY MOTHER? MY mother would NEVER, ever send out a box that wasn't stashed full of neccessities from home!!! I can't believe this!!!
Great, mother guilt started ringing in my head. This morning a box of Hubig's and Zapp's was overnighted to Chicago. Sorry, no Turbo Dog, wasn't going to foot the bill on that weight, bad enough that it had to be overnighted and an extra charge for Saturday delivery. No choice though, she heads out Sunday on a six week, cross country bus tour but she'll be fully stocked with Hubig's and Zapp's. Mother guilt is one helluva heavy load but I did include the following note to put some things into perspective for my darlin' child....

Dearest Firstborn Stormhole Child,

In an attempt to raise four half-blood redneck heathen children, I seem to have used up my quota on creativity, patience, kindness, optimism, spontaneity and sense of humor. Examples of early system overload would be:
- a linen Miami Vice suit, child’s size 6
- the maniacal following of the book, “Feed Me, I’m Your’s” (do you know how frustrating it is to fill an ice cube tray with a different toddler friendly food in each freaking compartment?)
- 5 weeks spent on a Miss Piggy costume that the 3 yr old diva then refuses to wear
- Stalking child’s hero, Tom Foote, for a photo op
- Homemade edible playdough
- Dance lessons, baton lessons, gymnastics lessons, ice skating lessons, modeling lessons, acting classes, art classes, computer classes…all by the age of 7.
- 4 NKOTB & 1 Tiffany (come ride the bee with Tiffany) t-shirts, need I say more?
- Reindeer bells ringing on the roof every Christmas Eve
- Peanut raisin rollups
- Acquiring Cabbage Patch doll on the black market
The preceding list being a brief synopsis of the grueling efforts put forth in my first decade of motherhood, approx age at this time…27 1/2. Also should be pointed out that aforementioned list was entirely focused on firstborn AND age 27 1/2 was my only experience with marijuana. Therefore, in the future please refrain from pointing out the
old grey bitch’s current shortcomings.

Your’s Truly,

Your MOTHER
The Old Grey Bitch

P.S.
Please note that you are very lucky, lacking the energy once used for evil, the outside of this box was NOT decorated with your 5th grade school picture. I thought of it, considered it, wanted to but took a nap instead. But do keep in mind, this is the mother that, much to my delight, horrified and embarrassed you at the 1990 Airline Park Talent Show. So your skinny butt better be careful who you poke with a stick…I know your secrets AND have the pictures!